spring break 2009: the soundtrack

...it's a CD i made, for real. that's how badly i want to be back in tennessee, or in mickey's dad's car anywhere between st. louis and there. i even put the songs we got so sick of, like "just dance" and "heartless," on there because it was so much fun to sing them all those zillions of times. fuck school, man. i thoroughly enjoyed having that week of literally no worries. i had an amazing trip with really fun people. we actually did cool stuff unique to gatlinburg, TN and the smoky mountains and came back with fantastic stories and pictures.

coming back was rough. i just could not switch fully into school mode. i pulled an all-nighter the first night back doing a project, leading to me skipping stats to sleep on monday. drank too much on st. patrick's day just because i could, leading to sleeping through adult health on wednesday. had an unsuccessful all-nighter attempt thursday night, leading to skipping OB so i could finish all the paperwork. i feel like a bad human being when i skip class, especially three in one week. no more this semester.

with brie at her pretty impressive st. patrick's day party. the cops came twice.

so that's how i'm sucking at being a student lately, but...other things are going well. the show is wonderful, easily the best choice i've made in college yet. i love all of the people involved and the work is so fulfilling and satisfying. this weekend, for all my intents of it being work-intensive for projects and stuff, has been fun as well. and i've been pretty productive. last night alex and i were sitting around doing homework toying with the idea of going out. it got to be like 11 and we were tired and comfortable. then she said, "you know, we need to remember more often that we're in college. suck it up, let's go." it's kind of depressing that we have to have those moments. we really do work too hard and play too little. spring break and the week following are not good examples of that, but really...we are pretty studious.

speaking of studious, it's now time to face my OB book (yet again), do laundry and dishes, and work on more projects. really just stuff to make the 5 hours pass before rehearsal :)

happy tired brain

grey's anatomy is a wonderful show. and private practice is only good when it's a crossover episode, or whatever. it would be better if audra mcdonald and taye diggs would sing all of their lines. i would venture a guess that most of the private practice audience hasn't a clue that they are 2 of the very best voices of today's musical theatre. even if they do want to have obama's babies. sigh...

i love shows or movies or books or whatever that make me think about my life. i also like stuff that makes me cry, so i'm a little weird. but this episode made me realize that i have some really great friends. i remember writing in my developmental autobiography for PSYC 377 that i make friends more easily with guys than girls. i attributed this to growing up with a brother so close to my age and my male best friend from my toddler and pre-school years. i still think that yeah, in a way i feel more comfortable with guys and they can be more fun to be friends with. but i am so incredibly thankful for my female friends. i have some really incredible women in my life that will always support me, take care of me, and lecture me...and probably more importantly, know when i need each of those things.

these medical shows are probably bad for us. if i saw mcdreamy or mcsteamy or addison or bailey on the street, i would expect them to be able to be able to provide me competent, if not world-class care. maybe someday i will be famous AND if someone dropped in a restaurant or got into a really bad MVA, i'd be able to save them. sweet, new goal in life.

sunday nights are the death of me.

i really like the idea of blogging and people who are good at it. i kind of creep on people who write really interesting or profound or clever things. i don't think it's one of my natural talents, though. it's more of a drain for time. i think waaaaaaaaaayyyy too hard about what sounds witty and deep.

i don't know what is worse...having a boring life or being limited to boring prose when describing it. i think i have some of both ailments.

i'm tipsy right now. i went to the boys' house for dinner tonight because mickey brought back imo's pizza from st. louis. not only did he come bearing food, but also alcohol...his parents gave him/us two bottles of wine. i had several glasses because i was the only one who liked it. probably more than what is decent for a sunday night, especially since i have more homework to do. considering how close i came to failing my first OB test (under 75% is a nursing failure), i should feel more motivated. uh.

in the absence of a clever closing line...Godspeed good friends, good night.

to morph, to differentiate, to bloom

i am finally escaping expectations. i am achieving what was plaguing me last semester:

honestly, i'm tired of doing all the right things, the normal things, the expected things. i keep sacrificing parts of myself to the gods of academia and perfection, but i never actually get what i ask for. nothing is ever enough, so...what am i killing myself for? i won't be put in this box anymore. i have to figure out what makes me who i am outside of my area of study. i need to be...a dynamic character again.

i am absolutely more than just a nursing major now. i barely recognize myself from last semester. i was talking to teak (nursing professor) the other day and she said that she and dr. jennings (director of vocal ensembles) had a conversation about me and how i exemplify the "other lives" that nursing majors lead. i am a beginning jazz dancer. a member of chamber choir. an act in the upcoming talent show. and...i was just cast as Emma Carew (1 of the 2 female leads) in Jekyll & Hyde: the Musical.

(i also picked up another identity last week: legal drinker. i hit the bars twice, made some exciting first purchases, and concluded my weekend with an embarassing shitshow of vomit all over my bedroom carpet. this probably won't substantially affect my life except for being able to tag pictures of myself with beverages on facebook).

i'm embracing what i had shelved when i came to college. i am a student, and a good one at that, but i have always been so much more. today i submitted my applications for summer externships and thus, my GPA this semester is no longer important. i doubt i can really let go of my tendency to try too hard but if i end up being overwhelmed, it's not the worst thing.

i feel like i have arrived. a late bloomer is better than never at all.

overflow

right now i am perfect. there are so many things to be excited about and proud of right now. i could easily sum it up by saying my birthday is this week and i'm rocking at school but...i'm gonna have to make a list, because i love lists.

* i turn 21 in 12 hours
* i don't have ANY classes today
* i got an A on my adult health test yesterday, a real nursing A, which never happens. it made my boring weekend worth it. i also think i did ok on my stats test.
* i already finished my OB reading for friday.
* i slept in today and plan to work ahead on projects, and go shopping with cory tonight for a new top and/or dress for all my birthday festivities coming up.
* i'm having a birthday dinner on wednesday and 10-11 people are coming. craaaaazy.
* I CAN ORDER A DRINK AT A RESTAURANT, GET INTO A BAR, AND BUY WHATEVER I WANT AT A LIQUOR STORE very, very soon. oh and never have to worry about being a minor in possession ever again.
* my parents (mostly my mom) have been sending me a card a day since last wednesday and i freaking love it. they have sent me money, giant conversation hearts (that actually taste good), a st. anthony medal, and a maurice's gift card (which is the only place to shop here so it's where i will be going for my new outfits).
* i'm trying out for Jekyll & Hyde on friday and i've been working on the music a LOT and i think i'm really ready. i'm super excited. i just hope i get a callback because i'll get to sing "sympathy, tenderness" and "a new life" and those are better than the general audition song, which is "facade." we have to dance at callbacks but i'm going to wear my new jazz shoes and just be confident as hell and try to channel whatever poise and experience i've garnered in class so far.

this is just the best week for a birthday. i am being a beast with schoolwork and the timing is really working out. kristina is coming to town friday and i cannot WAIT to see her. we are having a girls night with alex and maria and cory and then saturday we're pre-partying at the boys' house and then going out to the bars.

thank you, God, for making everything perfect right now and this week and everything i can see down the road.

the New Face of Zero and One

i find it interesting that being around different people creates a ridiculously dramatic trajectory of my self-esteem. friday night, after deciding that i was staying in and totally fine with it, i got an invite to hang out with some old friends that i don't spend enough time with anymore, and it was the most fun i've had in a while. i didn't feel self-conscious once, even when tagging along with a friend to another party where i didn't know very many people.

saturday night, however, was a little different. i always go to the same party on saturdays and see most of the same people. the getting ready process is lengthy and complicated: wash hair, straighten it to death, pile on the makeup, especially the eyes, find a top that's sophisticated but not overly slutty, pick out jewelry and shoes with a friend. it's like a performance, really. i usually don't feel like myself and despite my laborious getting ready process, usually end up feeling inadequate. i always start out being very excited to go but how i feel at the end of the night varies a lot.

i'm still trying to figure out the difference. one night comes with expectations, i guess, and the other doesn't.