The breech thing was a pretty big deal because if she didn't turn, it meant physically turning her, which could lead to an emergency C-section...and if the procedure failed, a C-section would still be imminent because I have been told that no midwives or obstetricians in the area will attempt a breech vaginal delivery. The low amniotic fluid could also be a big deal. This morning the perinatalogist came to my room after an ultrasound with a serious face on and signed my FMLA paperwork to allow me to stay home from work to rest starting now up through the end of my 12 weeks of maternity leave. We are doing a non-stress test tomorrow and another ultrasound on Wednesday to "give us a reason to pull the trigger" - aka, induce labor.
So I was upset today. The ultrasound ended in time for me to get to noon Mass at Our Lady of Good Counsel in Westport. I sat in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament for a few minutes and knew that I should be praying Jesus, I trust in You. But I couldn't. So instead I looked over at His Mother and prayed Mary, help me trust in Jesus. Over and over.
Then the Old Testament reading from Exodus was pretty awesome - the Israelites are fleeing Egypt and realize Pharaoh has sent his dudes after them. It's looking pretty grim. They freak out and yell at Moses, who replies God Himself will fight for you, you have only to be still. Daaaaaaaaannnng. Ok, God. I realized that there is no reason for me to doubt God's faithfulness now. His timing was beautiful and dramatic when Claire turned herself at the last minute. I really think He did it that way, after many weeks of frustration, to display His power more obviously, and to make me more aware of the miracles He is capable of.
This situation could be looking grim, too. Administering Pitocin in an induction often leads to a cascade of interventions that would never need to be done when labor starts spontaneously, not to mention blocks receptors for natural oxytocin which are natural pain relievers and crucial for bonding and successful breastfeeding. And I have been very passionate about having an intervention-free natural birth at New Birth Company. That possibility started to dim when Claire was found to be breech, brightened up again this weekend after she flipped herself on her own time, and is getting dim again as I imagine induction in a hospital setting. Not. What. I. Planned.
But I think God wants me to think like Moses, not like the rest of the Israelites. Total faith. To just be still. God absolutely can, and I believe will use this situation to show us his power and glory and teach us what miracles are. I have an idea of what I want that miracle to look like (going into spontaneous labor and delivering at the birth center without a hitch). But I am starting to see that even if everything else sucks and does not go according to my plan, holding our sweet baby girl, whether she comes this week or in 4 weeks, will be all the miracle I need.
and that sentence right there took me nine months to say and mean it.
This stubborn baby girl comes by it naturally.
