the tide turning endlessly

i might see someone die tomorrow.

my assigned patient has a "grim prognosis," according to his doctor, and his nurse doubts he'll make it through the night, because he was unresponsive today and had no urine output. he's from a nearby nursing home and his wife is usually with him during the day, but leaves at night. tonight i was copying information from his chart and was struck with a wave of sadness as i contemplated the possibility of him dying alone tonight.

i feel like i know this man just after reading his extensive charts and going into his room to introduce myself and pat his hand while he slept. i very much hope he lives through the night so i can be his student nurse tomorrow. i think patients who have student nurses receive better care than others, mostly because of the ratio...we have only one patient so we get to spend more time with them. i don't want this patient to die, but if he must i would like someone to be there with him. and tomorrow it would be me.

truman nursing students may be over-prepared in the area of death and dying because we have one professor who loves to talk about it more than anything else. i don't think i will feel at all prepared when i actually witness it but i do know that the sense of hearing is the last to go and i'd like someone to be talking to this patient, touching him, just being there with him in his last moments. tonight i prepared more than i ever have for clinical and most likely i will not need any of this information tomorrow morning. but if this patient survives, i want to be ready for him.

back to before

now that it's over i'm supposed to be all business. school stuff only, because God knows my GPA needs some attention. and what a week to kick it off...3 tests, a quiz, some huge assignments, and the biggest project of my life due. but i can't focus. well, it comes and goes. today i'm terribly sad and now that i've studied for OB, i can't get myself to move onto adult, even though it's going to be the worst test i've ever taken.

closing night i wasn't sad, just excited at how well we did. the cast party was the best thing i've been to in a while. i took erin and i hope she had a good time, because i sure did. we stayed until 4:30, at least, and kyle and jamin walked us home. apparently i got everyone to cut through mcclain as we walked through campus, which soberly looking back was the worst idea ever, but nobody got in trouble and now it's just a fun story.

for some reason it hit me during chamber choir today. i was sad enough that i went to the rec and ran 2 miles on the track. i should have known it would be like this when i went out for curtain call on opening night and felt exhilarated and wanted to do it over and over that same night. i just can't believe it's completely over and done with. all i'm left with is memories, pictures, and an eye infection. i know i'll still see people. i just had dinner last night with the family plus hank and they talked me into watching a movie afterward. this weekend is indecent proposals and the 2nd cast party. and then the banquet is the following weekend. the dvd will come out at some point, and i'm sure i'll watch it a million times. but the show is over. probably the biggest moments i'll ever have, all of them over. and looking back, i couldn't have lived in those moments more fiercely. i knew how precious they were. i've just never felt like this before. in high school i was always relieved after.

this...aches.

once upon a dream

no matter how tonight goes, this has already been a dream come true. this is all going to sound terribly cheesy, but...it is what it is. i put away theatre after i graduated high school (theatre in the park doesn't count). i was ok with never doing it again, i was closing that chapter of my life and focusing on my future career. but i kept singing (cantoria for 2 years, then voice lessons and chamber choir), and i acted to an extent (forensics and then the madrigal dinner), so i guess i couldn't ever really suppress it completely.

i heard that they were doing jekyll & hyde this spring and it didn't even cross my mind to audition. i was just planning on going to see it, and planning on feeling a twinge of nostalgia. it wasn't until i saw a midsummer night's dream and was absolutely enchanted that i made up my mind to do it, just because i wanted to be a part of an awesome production if i could. i listened to the soundtrack for ALL of christmas break (even though i knew it really well already) and started to daydream about having a lead. emma would be nice since i'm a soprano. but all i really wanted was to get in. and as a result, i've never prepared so much for an audition. i worked my butt off singing those 3 songs over and over awkwardly in front of a mirror in practice rooms and now i am so glad that i did.

so...all of this has just been unreal. i went to auditions with absolutely no expectations, so reading the cast list was just an unbelievable and indescribable feeling. i've been blown away from day 1 by the talent, professionalism, and extraordinary kindness of everyone involved. in high school i remembered feeling (and possibly acting) antagonistic towards random outsiders who auditioned for a show and got good parts, so it's been a wonderful surprise to be so welcomed and included. it's been bizarre to transition from scrubs to corsets, let me tell you, but i am so happy that i was able to do both nursing and theatre for at least these 2 months. it has been so amazing to realize how much performing is still a part of me and how fulfilling it is to let that part shine. i have learned so much about acting, theatre in general, and myself in this process and looking back on college, i know that i will cherish these memories as possibly the very best ones of my 4 years.

thank you SO much to everyone, and break a leg tonight!