after hours

i struggle with time. fast-forwarding has never appealed to me so much. to skip ahead to a day when i have my degree behind me and a secure job waiting for me...i daydream all the time. but at the same time i can feel my last year of college slipping through my fingers and i'm trying to hold on. to some parts. not school. deadlines are driving up my blood pressure. one of my major projects this semester is researching anxiety in nursing students and i feel like i have a whole panel of experts at my disposal. another major project is working with a client with a mental illness. ironically, i think i am going to be the one coming out with the benefits.

despite my growing obsession with the date 05/08/2010, i'm happy. i have an incredible support network: my family, who i am more proud of than ever after this weekend. i think it's safe to say columbia, MO isn't there anymore because we drank it. i am lucky enough to live with my best friend and i really don't know what my college experience (hell, half of my life!) would be like without her. i was just asked to be a bridesmaid in my very good friend's wedding and i am SO thrilled and honored and excited. and i'm dating someone who never ceases to entertain, fascinate, and adore.

i auditioned for the one-acts, which was a blast, and got several callbacks but made the terribly hard decision not to follow through. it would have been suicide. school is my full-time job but i also have my scholarship job, youth ministry, voice lessons, and sophisticated ladies (a new women's vocal jazz ensemble!) and a semblance of a social life to maintain. my life is exciting enough. really, though. especially lately. i keep falling asleep smiling.

call to arms

why has it taken/is it taking me so long to realize that my life is what i make it? nursing school tries to make me feel incredibly powerless, but i need to take ownership of the things i can actually change and control. i've slid down the long slide of academia, all the way down to putting in minimal effort and time. because in so many instances, input doesn't equal output. not at all. i just want to graduate. i can't wait to have a job and work in an environment where people try to bring you up instead of squash you down. i experienced it this summer, i know it's out there.

so even though school keeps creeping up on me, i keep trying to stamp it down on my priorities list. for once, i don't have academic goals. my goal for senior year is maximizing time spent with people that are worth it. i've done some good work there already. just the other night at work i had a long talk with 2 of my junior students and they wanted to know how to get through their year. i told them to get a life outside of nursing, no matter the cost. do a show that rehearses until 10 then get up at 4:30 for clinicals. take a friend out for a birthday drink then go home to study afterwards. and don't ever spend an entire weekend doing homework.

on a non nursing note (the rest of my life note), i need to continually remind myself that some of the best things in my life have come out of my own assertiveness: i am empowered to have not only an opinion, but an influence on how things work out. seems simple enough. let's begin.