my UN-academic fall

It's still weird and amazing not being in school/studying/writing papers.

Since my last post, I've worked 2 weeks as a straight-up nurse...no more orientation. I had a preceptor who is an excellent nurse and a very good teacher, but it was lovely to "graduate." I was sailing through my last few weeks on orientation, a little nervous but mostly excited to fly solo. I was anticipating stress from not knowing all the answers and feeling unprepared to make decisions, but very willing to ask my experienced co-workers for help.

I didn't, couldn't anticipate what the burden of responsibility, SOLE responsibility, would feel like. I am the final authority now and what I do and do not do to my patients has lasting consequences. The stress is palpable. I have to consciously choose positive moments to focus on to propel me forward. The picture a little boy colored for me. Getting a WOW card from a patient's mother about the excellent care her baby received. Otherwise, I would drown in everything that's less than perfect. It's time management, trying to be in 3 places at once, that is just out of my grasp. I can be 1 patient's excellent nurse, but add the standard 2 and then all my kiddos get only 1/3 of me. I have to start IV fluids on 1 baby while thinking of my other baby's fever and wondering how my asthmatic kid is breathing. I know I can be good at this, maybe great at this, but it's frustrating seeing the long, long path ahead.

The decision-making part, though? Kind of a rush. When my train of thought ends at, "well, I'm the nurse, so I guess this is my call," I get a little bit excited. I'm sure that will wear off, as all novelties do, but in the meantime, I do have to be grateful to Truman for building the foundation for some good ole critical thinking skillzzzzzzz. Or maybe I need to give myself more credit - I could have had those in the first place.

This month, all I did was work and travel:

• 2 Kirksville weekends.
• 2 Homecomings (Truman & Mizzou).
• 2 13-hour road trips.
• 2 times my ID was lost and relocated.
• 1 wedding (Kristina, one of my best friends from college).
• 1 unbelievable Tiger victory over #1 OU.
• 1 trip to Chicago booked for December ($60 round-trip airfare? Yes, please).
• 1 Halloween without a costume (working, which is a tragedy because I was gonna be Snooki).

life insurance and 24-gauge needles

Do I feel settled? The question was posed to me tonight by a friend who is weeks away from moving to New York to become a star (and really, she will be). It's interesting to compare our lives. We graduated from the same high school, and we both graduated from college this year. And we are both beginning our careers this year, but my beginning could also feel like an end. I do in fact have full-time status, benefits, and a whole bunch of new scrubs. I work 1 weekend a month and 2 holidays a year. I pack a lunch in the evening before leaving the house and have the windows in my room blocked off with pillows so I can sleep during the day. I spent my first paycheck on new tires.

But settled? No. My life is still changing too much to feel settled, and I like it that way. There are still so many places for me to go, figuratively and literally. I'm not going to feel settled at work for a long time, I know that for sure. I'm very much back in the student role, which I both appreciate and loathe. Wearing the big blue "RN" badge is dangerously empowering...I can't wait to do things my own way, but there's way too much I don't know.

I did start an IV on a 3-week-old baby girl the other day, though. It was an awkward mess coming out of her tiny foot, but...it flushed and it stayed. I love the babies (even when they hate me for sticking them with needles).

Pulmonary function (or lack thereof)

I could never sing for a living. Too much can go wrong with a voice. Instrumentalists must have it so much easier. It doesn't matter what they eat or drink, if they have allergies, if they have sinus problems, what drugs they take, or really if they just wake up wrong. They can still play. Professional and student vocalists, I do not envy you. I'm not appreciating this panicky frustration related to my uncooperative vocal cords. I'm singing for a wedding later today, a random church gig, trying to ignore the random summer cold I got this week. Not only am I congested, I'm wheezing, which is decreasing my respiratory reserve for sure, and this dry cough is wreaking havoc on my chest voice. Getting sick in July is absurd.

This is reminding me of the time last spring when I was doing Jekyll & Hyde and I was singing at like 50% capacity, if that, which just did not fly. Emma has to sing a high C. I had been battling a dry cough for months, and I had NO vocal endurance. The steroid inhaler I was prescribed cleared it right up, but my voice was left out to dry (literally). Continuing to cough wore my voice down ragged, but curing the cough left me with this wimpy little voice that crackled in my lower register, and my mixed register just didn't exist. It ended up that all I had to do was get back on my allergy medication, which didn't affect my voice at all. An amazing discovery, and just in time.

Today, however, I just have to push fluids and hope my 10 hours of sleep last night worked some magic. Probably the most important piece is Schubert's "Ave Maria," and that sounds fine because it's completely in my mixed/upper register...the other songs are not quite up to my usual standards, but listen-able. What the bride doesn't know doesn't hurt her, I suppose.

one hand, one heart

*The pictures and spacing got reeeally screwy :(

Last weekend I had the amazing honor of being a bridesmaid in Kelsey & Josh Hoyt's wedding. Kelsey is one of my very best friends and we suffered through the hells of the Truman nursing program together. I went to Jacksonville, IL really only knowing her. I had met most of her bridesmaids but hadn't spent significant amounts of time with any of them. By the time I left, however, I had been welcomed into their group and I felt like I'd been good friends with these five girls and one guy (Kelsey's Man of Honor) for years! It was a crazy fantastic weekend and I have to share the highlights...these will have to be in chronological order because there's no way I could rank them.

1. Audrey and Sandy trying, and mostly failing miserably (but hilariously) to inflate some adultballoons, let's say, in my car on the highway between St. Louis and Springfield.

2. Pulling up to the hotel, honking at the girls inside to no avail, and earning glares from hotel employees and patrons as I parked my car obnoxiously and left it there.

3. The super cute bachelorette party shirts that labeled us as a pack (wolfpack, if you will?) and earned us stuff while we were out on the town like free champagne and shots (awesome) and extra attention from a group of guys claiming to be a bachelor party (awkward).

4. The certain traffic item that Audrey and I acquired after the bachelorette debauchery had turned in for the night and left as a gift outside the bridal suite after the wedding.

5. The impeccable hosting of the Mason family. Delores and Andy Mason are absolutely delightful people. We were treated to a bridesmaid luncheon at a tea room before the rehearsal and it was just what all of us needed.

6. The unwitting dirty remarks made repeatedly by the poor, hopefully ignorant pastor during the rehearsal (and subsequently the wedding). The wedding party was dying trying to hold ourselves together.

7. The fun table at the rehearsal dinner. Most of the bridesmaids were at a table with the ushers, and then towards the end Kelsey and Josh joined us and things got really out of hand, helped I'm sure by the excellent open bar. Especially comments verbalized in planning the activities accompanying the garter toss.

8. Trying to find Walmart with Audrey after the rehearsal dinner. Probably the two people you'd pick dead last for your driving geography team.

9. Girl time before the wedding, both at the hair salon and in the church basement.

10. The fact that most of the bridal party was in tears throughout the ENTIRE wedding ceremony because it was so beautiful and we were so happy. Seriously, my eyes were welled up by the time Kelsey got to the end of the aisle and were dripping after Josh recited his vows. Looking at Kelsey's dad tore me up, too. It was absolutely perfect and gorgeous. Seeing one of my dearest friends' every dream come true was such a great feeling...I was high on it the rest of the night!

11. The baller super stretch Hummer limo that transported the wedding party to the reception! The weekend had been a little stressful up until then (way more for Kelsey than anyone else, I'm sure) but I felt like we could finally relax. Popping open the several bottles of champagne helped!

12. The VIP entrances made by the wedding party at the reception. There was like basketball crowd pumping music playing and the DJ announced everyone's name, and we came in with our partner from walking down the aisle. Saed made a last-second decision for us to do a simple dance move that the crowd loved.

13. Sitting at the head table at the breathtaking reception. There were hundreds of candles, intricate centerpieces that all looked perfect, and so many happy people. Oh, and drinking beer out of champagne flutes...keepin' it classy.

14. Kelsey's dad's welcome toast made everyone cry all over again, and included a bottle of champagne saved from their own wedding back in 1983.

15. Instead of pulling off Kelsey's garter in a neat, orderly fashion, the bridesmaids set up Kelsey's chair to have an assortment of objects underneath for Josh to seemingly pull out from under her voluminous skirts before finally reaching the garter. The DJ kinda hated on this but everyone else loved it. Also, Josh tried to flick the garter but it landed right behind him, and Man of Honor Ben leapt out on the dance floor to grab it before anyone else could even move.

16. Gettin wild on the dance floor the WHOLE night. The slightly drunk bridesmaids kicked off the party, of course, just like we did 2 nights prior at the bachelorette party. The bride danced her little butt off, too.

17. when the bridal party circled up at the end of the amazing night and vowed to repeat the experience as closely as possible every year on june 27th, if not more frequently.

18. my "drive of shame" across illinois and missouri the day after everything...after about 3 hours of sleep, the trip taking about 8 hours total including meals and a nap in a shaded corner of a bob evans parking lot in columbia...still wearing my makeup from the night before with my sprayed and curled hair in shambles. ALL WORTH IT!

from the RN's desk

new york is a fascinating city. in my 5 days there, i was torn between fondness and animosity. i think i could love it if i spent more time there, but in the short term, i was shocked at the volumes of people that were everywhere. masses of them, always in the way. but the things i did and saw were wonderful. we did some really excellent bus tours and a cruise around manhattan and i got to see almost all of the boroughs and get a feel for the whole thing. i saw the statue of liberty and ellis island from afar, and we went to ground zero. what people have told me is correct: there's literally nothing there, it's just construction now. but the memorial leveled me. my mom and i split up as we walked through and when we met up again, we were both in tears. being right there made it seem so real and recent, even though it was nearly 9 years ago. i felt a fierce pride for my country as i looked on the plans to rebuild. it's undeniable that doubling the number of towers, some of them just as tall as the old, is meant to be a loud "f*** you" to the terrorists. the victims, their families, and the survivors deserve the beautiful memorial that is coming.

yep, ANGELA LANSBURY.

we saw 3 broadway shows in new york: jersey boys, billy elliot, and next to normal. we were torn, wanting to see a little night music and fences also, but time constrained us. i'm so glad it worked out that way, though. because of the mixed reviews of a little night music, i kind of wanted to see the stars more than the show. and i got to see angela lansbury up close and personal on the evening of her very last performance outside the theater!

jersey boys was glorious to listen to as well as watch. the four voices were absolutely perfect, and their harmonies were just gorgeous. i was also really impressed by the lighting. a very solid show that made me love the four seasons.

billy elliot was a spectacle even more breathtaking than i imagined. the little boy just KILLED it. it was pure magic to watch him dance. none of the singers really impressed me, but the chorus numbers were powerful, goosebump-inducing. the staging was really creative and every moment was visually entertaining. incredibly heartwarming, overall.

next to normal, however, was what made the entire trip for me. i was not anticipating the effects it would have on me. i love to cry watching a good show, but this was not pleasant, warm fuzzy crying. at one point, i was choking back sobs. really on the brink of losing it. i think the power of the show was how it touched people in different ways. it was scary how often i related to each of the characters, even though their circumstances are beyond what i've ever experienced. at intermission, i looked around me and every woman i could see was teary, if not as close to losing it as me, with her significant other holding onto her for dear life, terrified. i'm glad i didn't know the story or music before seeing it, because the twist in the first act was so devastating, and i know it wouldn't have been if i'd known. so...if you think you'll ever go see the show, don't read up on it ahead of time!

the music was astoundingly beautiful with lyrics that pierce the soul. reminds me a lot of jason robert brown, which is a very good thing. i'm listening to the soundtrack as we speak, which is excellent in that it makes me feel diluted memories of what i felt as i watched, but i'm glad i saw the cast i did. brian d'arcy as dan is better than the original guy...he has such a huge, rich voice. the voices of the two children were perfect. jennifer damiano is only 19 and she sings like...i don't know, i would say an angel, but she's so much more of a real person. i loved alice ripley's performance, but i have to say her voice is the only thing i disliked about the show. it's so gritty and warbly that it seemed to go in and out of tune, especially compared to the perfection surrounding her. i was not a fan, but her acting did move me. it was one of her last songs that destroyed me.

oh, and...i'm a nurse now. i have a license and everything. finding out i passed my huge monstrous exam was thrilling, a really good thing to happen on my trip. and now i can rest easy for the next two and a half weeks before my job starts. well, rest easy and...acquire my kansas RN license, clean my house, mow my lawn, be a bridesmaid, babysit for a week straight, and get my house grad party ready.

And you know that it's just a sonata away,
And you play,
And you play.
And everything else goes away,
Everything else goes away.
Everything else goes away.

standing on the precipice

am i going to feel like an adult when i acquire my nursing license? stand up as a bridesmaid at the weddings of two of my best friends? have my college graduation party? or when i start orientation? get my first paycheck? maybe when i actually go to the floor and take on patients. when i switch from my parents' health insurance to my own?

obviously, the feeling has not yet sunk in. this could be any other summer between semesters of school. except for the huge things looming in my future, such as boards (june 15th) and the start of my nursing career (july 12th). but in the meantime, i'm doing pretty much everything i wanted to do: settle into my new house and new room. sleep a lot. read more Scripture. get to some daily Masses. work out a lot (pilates is already yielding satisfying results). see friends at an acceptable frequency (yesterday was a great example. got pedicures with brie, watched glee with annie and rizzy, played super smash brothers with phil). take advantage of my temporarily free netflix membership (finally nearing the finale of six feet under). do things for my parents that pay (clean house, mow the lawn).

actually, i barely have enough time to study. since graduating, i have road tripped to st. louis and houston, moved into the new house, moved my brother back home, acquired shoes for two weddings and a bridesmaid dress for one, reread 3/7 of the harry potter series, joined the Y, watched two seasons of the office, made a scrapbook, resumed cantoring at church, and done some excellent catching up with important people. i have things going on every weekend until i start work. the two most exciting things are going to new york for a graduation trip and going to jacksonville for kelsey's wedding, which are back to back weekends. new york is the day after boards, actually. talk about a vacation.

i love what i see when i look forward, but also when i look around me. life is nice.

I am the nurse!

my class of 34 nursing students became nurses tonight. it was a wonderful thing