back to before

now that it's over i'm supposed to be all business. school stuff only, because God knows my GPA needs some attention. and what a week to kick it off...3 tests, a quiz, some huge assignments, and the biggest project of my life due. but i can't focus. well, it comes and goes. today i'm terribly sad and now that i've studied for OB, i can't get myself to move onto adult, even though it's going to be the worst test i've ever taken.

closing night i wasn't sad, just excited at how well we did. the cast party was the best thing i've been to in a while. i took erin and i hope she had a good time, because i sure did. we stayed until 4:30, at least, and kyle and jamin walked us home. apparently i got everyone to cut through mcclain as we walked through campus, which soberly looking back was the worst idea ever, but nobody got in trouble and now it's just a fun story.

for some reason it hit me during chamber choir today. i was sad enough that i went to the rec and ran 2 miles on the track. i should have known it would be like this when i went out for curtain call on opening night and felt exhilarated and wanted to do it over and over that same night. i just can't believe it's completely over and done with. all i'm left with is memories, pictures, and an eye infection. i know i'll still see people. i just had dinner last night with the family plus hank and they talked me into watching a movie afterward. this weekend is indecent proposals and the 2nd cast party. and then the banquet is the following weekend. the dvd will come out at some point, and i'm sure i'll watch it a million times. but the show is over. probably the biggest moments i'll ever have, all of them over. and looking back, i couldn't have lived in those moments more fiercely. i knew how precious they were. i've just never felt like this before. in high school i was always relieved after.

this...aches.

once upon a dream

no matter how tonight goes, this has already been a dream come true. this is all going to sound terribly cheesy, but...it is what it is. i put away theatre after i graduated high school (theatre in the park doesn't count). i was ok with never doing it again, i was closing that chapter of my life and focusing on my future career. but i kept singing (cantoria for 2 years, then voice lessons and chamber choir), and i acted to an extent (forensics and then the madrigal dinner), so i guess i couldn't ever really suppress it completely.

i heard that they were doing jekyll & hyde this spring and it didn't even cross my mind to audition. i was just planning on going to see it, and planning on feeling a twinge of nostalgia. it wasn't until i saw a midsummer night's dream and was absolutely enchanted that i made up my mind to do it, just because i wanted to be a part of an awesome production if i could. i listened to the soundtrack for ALL of christmas break (even though i knew it really well already) and started to daydream about having a lead. emma would be nice since i'm a soprano. but all i really wanted was to get in. and as a result, i've never prepared so much for an audition. i worked my butt off singing those 3 songs over and over awkwardly in front of a mirror in practice rooms and now i am so glad that i did.

so...all of this has just been unreal. i went to auditions with absolutely no expectations, so reading the cast list was just an unbelievable and indescribable feeling. i've been blown away from day 1 by the talent, professionalism, and extraordinary kindness of everyone involved. in high school i remembered feeling (and possibly acting) antagonistic towards random outsiders who auditioned for a show and got good parts, so it's been a wonderful surprise to be so welcomed and included. it's been bizarre to transition from scrubs to corsets, let me tell you, but i am so happy that i was able to do both nursing and theatre for at least these 2 months. it has been so amazing to realize how much performing is still a part of me and how fulfilling it is to let that part shine. i have learned so much about acting, theatre in general, and myself in this process and looking back on college, i know that i will cherish these memories as possibly the very best ones of my 4 years.

thank you SO much to everyone, and break a leg tonight!

spring break 2009: the soundtrack

...it's a CD i made, for real. that's how badly i want to be back in tennessee, or in mickey's dad's car anywhere between st. louis and there. i even put the songs we got so sick of, like "just dance" and "heartless," on there because it was so much fun to sing them all those zillions of times. fuck school, man. i thoroughly enjoyed having that week of literally no worries. i had an amazing trip with really fun people. we actually did cool stuff unique to gatlinburg, TN and the smoky mountains and came back with fantastic stories and pictures.

coming back was rough. i just could not switch fully into school mode. i pulled an all-nighter the first night back doing a project, leading to me skipping stats to sleep on monday. drank too much on st. patrick's day just because i could, leading to sleeping through adult health on wednesday. had an unsuccessful all-nighter attempt thursday night, leading to skipping OB so i could finish all the paperwork. i feel like a bad human being when i skip class, especially three in one week. no more this semester.

with brie at her pretty impressive st. patrick's day party. the cops came twice.

so that's how i'm sucking at being a student lately, but...other things are going well. the show is wonderful, easily the best choice i've made in college yet. i love all of the people involved and the work is so fulfilling and satisfying. this weekend, for all my intents of it being work-intensive for projects and stuff, has been fun as well. and i've been pretty productive. last night alex and i were sitting around doing homework toying with the idea of going out. it got to be like 11 and we were tired and comfortable. then she said, "you know, we need to remember more often that we're in college. suck it up, let's go." it's kind of depressing that we have to have those moments. we really do work too hard and play too little. spring break and the week following are not good examples of that, but really...we are pretty studious.

speaking of studious, it's now time to face my OB book (yet again), do laundry and dishes, and work on more projects. really just stuff to make the 5 hours pass before rehearsal :)

happy tired brain

grey's anatomy is a wonderful show. and private practice is only good when it's a crossover episode, or whatever. it would be better if audra mcdonald and taye diggs would sing all of their lines. i would venture a guess that most of the private practice audience hasn't a clue that they are 2 of the very best voices of today's musical theatre. even if they do want to have obama's babies. sigh...

i love shows or movies or books or whatever that make me think about my life. i also like stuff that makes me cry, so i'm a little weird. but this episode made me realize that i have some really great friends. i remember writing in my developmental autobiography for PSYC 377 that i make friends more easily with guys than girls. i attributed this to growing up with a brother so close to my age and my male best friend from my toddler and pre-school years. i still think that yeah, in a way i feel more comfortable with guys and they can be more fun to be friends with. but i am so incredibly thankful for my female friends. i have some really incredible women in my life that will always support me, take care of me, and lecture me...and probably more importantly, know when i need each of those things.

these medical shows are probably bad for us. if i saw mcdreamy or mcsteamy or addison or bailey on the street, i would expect them to be able to be able to provide me competent, if not world-class care. maybe someday i will be famous AND if someone dropped in a restaurant or got into a really bad MVA, i'd be able to save them. sweet, new goal in life.

sunday nights are the death of me.

i really like the idea of blogging and people who are good at it. i kind of creep on people who write really interesting or profound or clever things. i don't think it's one of my natural talents, though. it's more of a drain for time. i think waaaaaaaaaayyyy too hard about what sounds witty and deep.

i don't know what is worse...having a boring life or being limited to boring prose when describing it. i think i have some of both ailments.

i'm tipsy right now. i went to the boys' house for dinner tonight because mickey brought back imo's pizza from st. louis. not only did he come bearing food, but also alcohol...his parents gave him/us two bottles of wine. i had several glasses because i was the only one who liked it. probably more than what is decent for a sunday night, especially since i have more homework to do. considering how close i came to failing my first OB test (under 75% is a nursing failure), i should feel more motivated. uh.

in the absence of a clever closing line...Godspeed good friends, good night.

to morph, to differentiate, to bloom

i am finally escaping expectations. i am achieving what was plaguing me last semester:

honestly, i'm tired of doing all the right things, the normal things, the expected things. i keep sacrificing parts of myself to the gods of academia and perfection, but i never actually get what i ask for. nothing is ever enough, so...what am i killing myself for? i won't be put in this box anymore. i have to figure out what makes me who i am outside of my area of study. i need to be...a dynamic character again.

i am absolutely more than just a nursing major now. i barely recognize myself from last semester. i was talking to teak (nursing professor) the other day and she said that she and dr. jennings (director of vocal ensembles) had a conversation about me and how i exemplify the "other lives" that nursing majors lead. i am a beginning jazz dancer. a member of chamber choir. an act in the upcoming talent show. and...i was just cast as Emma Carew (1 of the 2 female leads) in Jekyll & Hyde: the Musical.

(i also picked up another identity last week: legal drinker. i hit the bars twice, made some exciting first purchases, and concluded my weekend with an embarassing shitshow of vomit all over my bedroom carpet. this probably won't substantially affect my life except for being able to tag pictures of myself with beverages on facebook).

i'm embracing what i had shelved when i came to college. i am a student, and a good one at that, but i have always been so much more. today i submitted my applications for summer externships and thus, my GPA this semester is no longer important. i doubt i can really let go of my tendency to try too hard but if i end up being overwhelmed, it's not the worst thing.

i feel like i have arrived. a late bloomer is better than never at all.

overflow

right now i am perfect. there are so many things to be excited about and proud of right now. i could easily sum it up by saying my birthday is this week and i'm rocking at school but...i'm gonna have to make a list, because i love lists.

* i turn 21 in 12 hours
* i don't have ANY classes today
* i got an A on my adult health test yesterday, a real nursing A, which never happens. it made my boring weekend worth it. i also think i did ok on my stats test.
* i already finished my OB reading for friday.
* i slept in today and plan to work ahead on projects, and go shopping with cory tonight for a new top and/or dress for all my birthday festivities coming up.
* i'm having a birthday dinner on wednesday and 10-11 people are coming. craaaaazy.
* I CAN ORDER A DRINK AT A RESTAURANT, GET INTO A BAR, AND BUY WHATEVER I WANT AT A LIQUOR STORE very, very soon. oh and never have to worry about being a minor in possession ever again.
* my parents (mostly my mom) have been sending me a card a day since last wednesday and i freaking love it. they have sent me money, giant conversation hearts (that actually taste good), a st. anthony medal, and a maurice's gift card (which is the only place to shop here so it's where i will be going for my new outfits).
* i'm trying out for Jekyll & Hyde on friday and i've been working on the music a LOT and i think i'm really ready. i'm super excited. i just hope i get a callback because i'll get to sing "sympathy, tenderness" and "a new life" and those are better than the general audition song, which is "facade." we have to dance at callbacks but i'm going to wear my new jazz shoes and just be confident as hell and try to channel whatever poise and experience i've garnered in class so far.

this is just the best week for a birthday. i am being a beast with schoolwork and the timing is really working out. kristina is coming to town friday and i cannot WAIT to see her. we are having a girls night with alex and maria and cory and then saturday we're pre-partying at the boys' house and then going out to the bars.

thank you, God, for making everything perfect right now and this week and everything i can see down the road.