Warning: long post ahead. i never do this.
i just want to share something from the weekend. friday night the keynote speakers were jason and chrystalina evert, whose life mission is speaking to teens about chastity and the rewards of living a pure lifestyle. i had seen chrystalina before and she's awesome, but together those two are so powerful. jason told a story that i will never forget. i'm not sure if this is true or not, but to me it didn't matter. here goes:
a father drops his son off at preschool one morning. he kisses him goodbye, and says, "i love you. i'll be back to get you later." the father goes to work and later that day he hears of a terrible earthquake that hit the area around his son's school. he rushes to the school and finds that the school has been buried in debris. all the teachers are dead. crews are starting to clear the debris, but the father jumps in and starts ripping through it himself looking for his son, tearing through rocks and rubble with his bare hands. after an hour, no success. his hands are starting to bleed but he keeps going. many more hours pass and people are starting to give up, but this father doesn't. a full 24 hours passes, and he is exhausted and in pain. people tell him that there's no hope left at this point, but he keeps searching. after 32 hours of an excruciating search, he pulls a slab aside to find the face of his son under mounds of rock and debris. not only is he alive, but his face lights up as he turns to the 14 children behind him and says, "see, i told you he'd come back for me!" and that, jason evert proclaimed, is how passionately and personally God our Father loves each one of us.
that story made me come apart. now, i like to cry. i cry when i'm happy or when something touches me profoundly. but that night i cried like something was breaking. instead of making me feel loved and happy, that story made me weep for loneliness. see, i didn't feel like God loved me like that. even though i knew it in my head, my heart so many times denies the existence of such a huge love and refuses it. at this point i felt like running to Confession. i had been feeling the nagging need to experience this sacrament for a long time but couldn't pinpoint what i needed to talk to God about. this was it. but this was late at night and it wasn't available. so i had a while to think about it before i actually went.
i realized that not recognizing how much God loves me is the root of a lot of personal issues i've been having or have always had. i started to link it to my extreme self-consciousness, how much i doubt myself. how much i seek out love and approval from human beings because i'm not feeling it from my Creator. i knew, intellectually, that i was loved. but i kept forgetting or even doubting it in my heart. and i didn't know how to get that feeling back.
so i went to Reconciliation the next day. when i told the priest about doubting God's love for me, i wasn't chastised or lectured. he encouraged me to run to the Eucharist more. to go to more daily Masses and Eucharistic Adoration to experience the love of God through his Son. Jesus giving us his Body and Blood to consume and adore was the ultimate expression of love. this made so much sense to me and i can't explain the relief i felt to have something i could do.
but the most amazing thing about this confession was how much Jesus i sensed in this priest. the in persona Christe thing blew me away. i had never before felt that i was actually talking to God in confession, even though that's the point of it. it was incredible. i was almost sent to a priest that was pretty old, but then someone got finished quicker and i was directed towards a different one. this priest looked so young. he saw on my badge that i was an "adult" participant (meaning 21 or over) and pointed out that we both look young for our age, which made me feel connected to him. but beyond that, i felt a crazy connection as soon as i sat down and looked into his eyes. i referenced that i heard a story about God's love that really upset me. that was as specific as i got, but this priest knew exactly what story i meant. he even told some of it back to me using my name to make it that much more personal. and as he was responding to the sins i confessed, i looked at him and felt the love of God radiating from him. this priest didn't know me to love me, but i felt like this man knew me through and through. you don't feel immediate, unconditional love sitting down with a human being. this was Jesus sitting across from me. He knew how badly i needed to to feel His love in a real way. and He showed it to me in this priest, in just a few minutes.
i know this glow i feel now won't last forever. feelings are not the foundation of my faith. but i will always remember this experience, how God gave me exactly what i needed. and through the wisdom of this priest, i also learned how to keep coming back to this love of God. through his Son in the Eucharist, the ultimate gift of sacrificial love. and my Church gives me endless opportunities to seek Christ in Eucharistic Adoration and Mass, both Sunday and daily.
I woke up in darkness
surrounded by silence
oh where, where have I gone?
I woke to reality
losing its grip on me
oh where, where have I gone?
Cause I can see the light
before I see the sunrise
You called and you shouted
broke through my deafness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!
You shattered my darkness
washed away my blindness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!
Late have I loved you,
you waited for me,
I searched for you…
what took me so long?
I was looking outside
as if love would ever want to hide
I’m finding I was wrong
Cause I can feel the wind
before it hits my skin
You called and you shouted
broke through my deafness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!
You shattered my darkness
washed away my blindness
now I'm breathing in
and breathing out
I'm alive again!
--Matt Maher, "Alive Again"
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