...be still.

Miss Claire Joan Marie has given her worrywort mom some trouble over these past 9 months.  Disclaimer: I do realize that there are many, many pregnancies much more complicated than mine.  But hey, this is my only frame of reference.  The stunts she has pulled have included low progesterone levels and shots for me, a two-vessel cord diagnosis for her, a brief period of time when the placenta was in the wrong place, breech presentation, and now decreasing amniotic fluid.

The breech thing was a pretty big deal because if she didn't turn, it meant physically turning her, which could lead to an emergency C-section...and if the procedure failed, a C-section would still be imminent because I have been told that no midwives or obstetricians in the area will attempt a breech vaginal delivery.  The low amniotic fluid could also be a big deal.  This morning the perinatalogist came to my room after an ultrasound with a serious face on and signed my FMLA paperwork to allow me to stay home from work to rest starting now up through the end of my 12 weeks of maternity leave.  We are doing a non-stress test tomorrow and another ultrasound on Wednesday to "give us a reason to pull the trigger" - aka, induce labor.

So I was upset today.  The ultrasound ended in time for me to get to noon Mass at Our Lady of Good Counsel in Westport.  I sat in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament for a few minutes and knew that I should be praying Jesus, I trust in You.  But I couldn't.  So instead I looked over at His Mother and prayed Mary, help me trust in Jesus.  Over and over.  

Then the Old Testament reading from Exodus was pretty awesome - the Israelites are fleeing Egypt and realize Pharaoh has sent his dudes after them.  It's looking pretty grim.  They freak out and yell at Moses, who replies God Himself will fight for you, you have only to be still.  Daaaaaaaaannnng.  Ok, God.  I realized that there is no reason for me to doubt God's faithfulness now.  His timing was beautiful and dramatic when Claire turned herself at the last minute.  I really think He did it that way, after many weeks of frustration, to display His power more obviously, and to make me more aware of the miracles He is capable of.  

This situation could be looking grim, too.  Administering Pitocin in an induction often leads to a cascade of interventions that would never need to be done when labor starts spontaneously, not to mention blocks receptors for natural oxytocin which are natural pain relievers and crucial for bonding and successful breastfeeding.  And I have been very passionate about having an intervention-free natural birth at New Birth Company.  That possibility started to dim when Claire was found to be breech, brightened up again this weekend after she flipped herself on her own time, and is getting dim again as I imagine induction in a hospital setting.  Not.  What.  I.  Planned.

But I think God wants me to think like Moses, not like the rest of the Israelites.  Total faith.  To just be still.  God absolutely can, and I believe will use this situation to show us his power and glory and teach us what miracles are.  I have an idea of what I want that miracle to look like (going into spontaneous labor and delivering at the birth center without a hitch).  But I am starting to see that even if everything else sucks and does not go according to my plan, holding our sweet baby girl, whether she comes this week or in 4 weeks, will be all the miracle I need.  

and that sentence right there took me nine months to say and mean it.  
This stubborn baby girl comes by it naturally.

love, theoretically

My grand plans of blogging my way through our 13-month engagement have obviously utterly failed.  But now that I'm 4 days out, on our 3-year dating anniversary, here's something.

I feel like wedding planning is mostly driving all over the city, and spending money at every possible stop along the way.

But sometimes I remember to combine the spiritual with the geographical and I turn on Catholic Radio while I drive.  Lately I keep hearing really on-point marriage and family talks from this one priest, Fr. John Riccardo.  So the other night I was driving up north from PV and listening to a talk on Ephesians 5:21-33.  I have such a love affair with this passage that it's even being read at our wedding.  Click here if you want to read it real quick.

So Fr. Riccardo gave all this great insight on what the original Greek text meant when it came to the wife "submitting" to her husband, and what "headship" on behalf of the husband really means.  Maybe I'll get into that later, but here's what really struck me.  He said there is only one command in this passage, which is known as THE passage that tells husbands and wives how to have a holy marriage.  The command is: "Husbands, love your wives."  

God commands us to love so many times throughout his Word.  The fact that love can be commanded gives me hope.  Meaning...God would not and could not command us to love if it were simply a feeling, a rush of hormones or emotion that unpredictably fades.  And that makes it more powerful and so much more meaningful!  So many married couples have given us advice that basically says, "wake up every day and choose to love your spouse."  I am naive and have no idea what that's going to be like, but I know Sean is preparing himself to do the same.    

I've had people ask me, "are you nervous?"  I'm nervous about little things going wrong on wedding day or leading up to it, the normal things that I know don't really matter.  But am I nervous to get married?  Definitely not.  I know that even if my husband wakes up one day and doesn't feel like he is in love with me, he will choose to love me anyways.  Like Christ loves the Church.  And he can't love me perfectly on his own, (I'm not that loveable), but we'll receive grace from the sacrament of our marriage and be strengthened by the Holy Spirit to keep on keepin' on.       

Am I nervous?  Pssh...do you know this guy?   ;)

Airplane Bungalow

I think everyone has a special place in their heart for the first place they lived truly on their own.  I can't think of the Airplane Bungalow on Roanoke without thinking of Phil.  A week ago I went to his going away party.  "Some Nights" by Fun. came on and the dance floor went a little crazy.  Brie said, "Remember Phil and Bob dancing to this in your kitchen?"

Instantly I got flooded with nostalgia.  Of course I remember dancing in the kitchen, because it was huge and we always had a sink full of dirty dishes that could only get washed if the right music was on.  When we moved out, I cleaned the bottom cabinets for the first time and found the hole to the outside that the mice were using for transport.  Doesn't take away from how awesomely huge that kitchen was.

I worked nights in that house, so Phil would sometimes wake up in the morning and come downstairs to find me asleep at the dining room table.  Our basement was as scary as the one in Home Alone and you never knew what kind of Westport riffraff was going to walk down the sidewalk talking to himself.  We had a study, a conservatory, and a library (WITH BUILT IN BOOKSHELVES), and a porch couch.  You may think having a porch couch signifies white trash, but we would heartily disagree.  Porch couch means perfect summer nights with friends and beverages.  

I learned a lot about being a grown-up (when I wanted to be) in that house.  And when I moved out, I think life got a little more serious.  But what I miss most is not the house, but Phil.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect roommate and friend.  After moving to our new homes, I didn't get to see him nearly as much as I wanted to.  But so many of my good memories from that time in my life have him in there somewhere.  He is one of the MOST talented people I think I will ever meet, and I'm so proud of him for working his ass off and getting after his dreams.  He and Mandy will have wonderful adventures, and they are going to be in my thoughts and prayers often.  

Best of luck, old friend.  Your city misses you already.

Waiting.

This summer I found out that God has an English accent and is into banjos.

Well, I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

It took very little time of dating Sean to realize he was "husband material."  I mean...do you know him?  Duh.  I got to the point where I couldn't imagine anyone else when I started daydreaming about marriage and family.  It wasn't something we were talking about much, but I figured it was just a matter of time.  Two very good friends of mine got engaged within 2 months of each other, and then wedding season 2013 hit (aka we attended 3 weddings in one summer).  All of the sudden I had a lot to think about.  As happy as I was for all of these couples, sometimes my female heart got ugly-jealous and worried.  After some serious talks with Sean and my new spiritual director, I realized I had some prayin' to do.

But I'll kneel down,

Wait for now

And I'll kneel down

Know my ground

I had never really prayed about my vocation before.  Catholic girls are always told to do this, but I kind of ignored it.  Or I just prayed for my future husband...because I was OBVIOUSLY called to marriage.  I mean, all NORMAL girls get married.  It just wasn't a question.  But now, maybe...it was?  For so long I had just been telling God what I wanted and praying for it to happen someday.  I didn't do much listening (ok, like no listening).  I set about praying a 30-day novena (is it still called a novena if it's not a multiple of 9?  whatever) to St. Joseph...because he had the best marriage that there ever was, and it started with some big time discernment.  I was sure at the end of it that God would have a huge unmistakable way of telling me what was going to happen, and I only gave him two options: green light or red light.  Obviously I preferred the former.  I desperately wanted to know what His will was for me, and I knew what I wanted it to be.

And I will wait, I will wait for you

I will wait, I will wait for you        

So I settled in to wait.  And I started hearing this song a LOT, like almost every day on the radio.  It had been almost a year since it had been released as a single, so that was odd.  I had always had a love affair bordering on obsession with Mumford & Sons, and that song especially.  I loved what I thought was a purity message, but was clearly even more than that.  So I slowly started to get the idea that God was telling me to be patient.  And the test was difficult.  He used my spiritual director to whip me into shape with self-discipline and a structured prayer life, and I just kept messing it up and having to start over.

So break my step

And relent

Well, you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

The last day of my novena came.  I went to a weekday Mass and knelt in front of a St. Joseph statue afterwards to say it for the last time.  I just knew something big was going to happen...it HAD to.  Over the past 30 days, God had trained me to trust Him more and more and I was so confident that my prayer for clarity would be answered.  So I said the prayer and waited.  Nothing.  I looked around the sanctuary of St. Agnes.  No banners or angel choirs announcing anything.  Disappointed, but not quite giving up, I walked out to my car.  I turned the key in the ignition and the radio came on.  Guess what song was starting from the very beginning?  Yep.

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

I cried.  I knew exactly what it meant...that God was answering my prayer, but He refused to be boxed into my multiple choice answers.  He was showing me His faithfulness but continuing to stretch me.  I just had to keep waiting, and trusting.  I took it as encouragement to keep praying.  Slowly, so slowly I didn't realize it was happening, I began to have peace.  I remembered a priest saying once that the purpose of prayer is not to conform the will of God to ours, but to conform our hearts to His.  My own will was changing.  By the end of the summer, I was more interested in following Him, wherever that might be, than I was in getting the answers I thought I needed so badly.  I realized that this period of learning to trust was incredibly important; precious, even.  Something just between me and God.  God was pulling me closer to Him to remind me that He would always be first, no matter my vocation.

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind free from the lies

So when September 1st came, that perfect day, my heart was ready.  My answer was completely free from fleeting emotions and was grounded in the hard work that had already been done.  Sean asking was the final sign I needed.  God took my dream and made it better...because marrying Sean is part of His dream for us.  And it's only the beginning :)

When Nurses Do Magic

Working in pediatric rehab is really tough sometimes.  (Note: not drug rehab, but physical rehab).  We take care of patients who, for whatever reason, need help with walking, talking, and regular activities of living...things that were once easy but are now the most challenging tasks in the world.  Many have been in car accidents, some have had tumors removed from their brain or spine, others are just weak from laying in a critical care bed for weeks on end.

So...they do work.  Really hard work.  They're doing therapy for up to 6 hours a day, which is often painful and exhausting.  They hate their meds, and they especially hate the feeding tubes that go through their nose.  The nurses challenge them to eat and drink more than they feel like they can, get up and walk to the bathroom when they would rather stay in bed, wear uncomfortable braces, do exercises, and so much more.  Every day is a struggle of s-l-o-w progress.  Often, patients are discharged home in a wheelchair with lots of assistance set up at home, and outpatient therapies as often as 5 days a week.  So at that point...we are just hoping they continue to improve, but we nurses don't usually know what happens to them.

Unless they come back to the unit to visit!  These are some of my all-time favorite moments of being a nurse.  A magical transformation has happened and this former patient is now a regular kid (or much closer on their way) who runs and laughs and fondly recounts stories of their inpatient days.  Recently a patient came back to visit, and I literally did not recognize the child.  (Forgive my awkward absence of gender-specific pronouns...can't be violating any federal laws now).  The kiddo looked at me and said, "You're the nurse who cut off my bracelet!"  I actually only cared for this child for one day, but it was the best day of their whole hospital stay - the day they got to go home.  Apparently, this former patient will always remember the nurse from that day, even though I barely remembered the patient.  

I think that's nursing in a nutshell.  We do the same interventions for patients over and over, tasks that mean very little to us...but they're everything to someone else.  Pulling out my little bandage scissors to make a snip on a plastic bracelet?  No big deal.  But for this child, that small act represented a huge achievement, winning a battle that literally took months to fight.

Of course...I cannot perform magic.  How blessed I am to be the Lord's handmaid as He performs His healing work through my small actions.

Hope in suffering.

The question has been posed - "What has happened to our country?"  As in...this is not us.  Americans don't do this.  Life doesn't work this way.  We felt like this after Newtown, and Aurora, and Columbine, and all those other phrases that mean so much more than geography now.  But I also felt like this pretty recently because of some sad strife in my family.  I thought, "this isn't my family.  This happens to other families, but not ours."  Both of those sentiments are prideful.  Since when am I too good to suffer?  Jesus Christ didn't even get to escape suffering as the Son of God.  In fact, He showed us how it's to be done.

I don't know if there is more evil present in the world than before.  Evil will pervade wherever sin abounds, and sin is a constant in our human history.  But I do think our country is young.  Yes, these events are new and shocking and terrible for us.  I don't at all mean to diminish the magnitude of what has happened or the grief that is rightly being felt, but...in so many other parts of the world, this would just be par for the course.  Countries that are ravaged by war, who reconcile only to be ripped apart by another.  Cities decimated by illness or famine.  Entire cultures that are built around fear.  Rwanda, Bosnia, Darfur, Poland, Vietnam, Russia, the Holy Land, Mexico City...these are just some places I can think of that either now or in the last century have suffered.

To suffer is to go without.  All over the world, people go without clean water, adequate food and housing, health, basic freedoms, security, their loved ones.  I am far too comfortable.  I do not know how to go without, because I have never had to.  As a nation we are wealthy, healthy (as in free of disease), and well cared for.  Maybe these tragedies of violence cut us especially deeply because we are not used to suffering (and because losing loved ones is arguably the most difficult kind).

I don't have answers here.  Suffering continues as long as evil exists in the world.  But I have one small idea.  What if, to magnify our prayers for those who are suffering (because there are always going to be those who need them), we go without in order to suffer in solidarity with them?  Fasting is an incredibly powerful tool for growing closer to God because we are denying our selfish desires (not just food, but anything else that would be a sacrifice) and saying "yes" to Him.  It's like stretching spiritual muscles - painful but necessary.  I believe we can also grow closer to each other if we are suffering for their sake.  We are all one in the Body of Christ, after all.  So let's pray for Boston this week, but maybe also skip a few meals, or give up dessert/Facebook/a TV show/something comfortable...and offer it up for those who are suffering on the East coast, in our own families, and around the world.  Fasting is NOT just for Lent!

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.
(Romans 5:3-5)

See that?!  Suffering leads to hope.  Just the thing we've been wondering how to find.

Prodigal Daughter

Sometimes I feel the need to be praised for things like...showering before work.  Remembering to put the trash out.  Getting my oil changed.  These things mean I am a grown-up, right?  Where is the gold star on my sticker chart?

It has been hitting me hard for some reason lately that I am nearing 3 years of being a nurse.  I am even closer to my 3-year anniversary of no longer being a student.  That just can't be right.  Somehow, I am in my mid twenties.  I don't feel that old, and certainly not that mature.  Shouldn't I still have someone managing me?

Today I realized I have broken nearly all of my Lenten promises at least once.  I don't normally use Sundays as a "cheat day," but I sure did today (I ate sweets, got on Facebook, and I'm up past 10 on a work night).  I was a bit ambitious, choosing to be hard on myself this year.  I needed the stretching.  I am unable to control the expedient passing of time but by gosh I can control my diet, my sleep schedule, my internet usage.  Wrong.

It was good to hear the parable of the Prodigal Son at Mass this evening.  This morning I almost skipped reading it with the others.  It was just the Gospel the other day, and I've read it so many times, right?  But I did again, and what struck me this time was the father running to meet his son with open arms.  No, "I told you so," no scolding or resentment.  Just overwhelming love.  Just an opportunity to become a "new creation," as we heard in the epistle.

Monday is a good day for starting over.  Let's try this again tomorrow, God.